We love you together.. We just don't know how to love you separately!

A friend of mine who i will call Hanna  is going through a very bad divorce right now. Her husband of twelve years have been cheating with this new girl who moved in the street among many others. For nearly four years i have witnessed Hanna, going through  the worst, from anxiety, to mental break down, all in the name of marriage and love. She is one of the strongest women i know, because the shit that her husband pulls up, is just sick! And she took all of them in, while protecting her children from all these, trying to paint this perfect, loving dad. I salute her for this!

Last night she called me. She was hysterical, crying  and throwing fists. She said for once she cannot take it any more and she wants to leave. If we were living in one of those western countries (at least from what i see in the movies) she would have asked her husband to leave.  But instead, when she confronted her husband about the expenses in their account which   was used to buy a new car which apparently did not reach their house, the husband asked her to pack and leave if she cannot  keep her mouth shut. He even threw in few F word, and W word and that made her sick to the stomach. She packed her bags and make a call so that i could pick her up!

What made my eyes tear up was what her eight years daughter said. She asked where she was going and for the first time she threw the "wisdom" off the window and blow it right in front of her baby that her father was an A***le and that she was leaving him. It was night so she told them that they would stay in my house for a while   and she would take  them   once she settles down. What she said next  blew my mind and melted my soul... "Mom, Please do not go! We love you together, We just don't know how to love you separately" And there it was... in front of my eyes, i  saw the reason why Hanna never left that loveless marriage all those years. It was not about Money, or fame, but because she did not know how to explain to their children how they would live without them together! It was a heart breaking scene.

As for Hanna, she had a friend she could call and make arrangements for her children. She had a means to support herself until she settles down. I have known many other women who do not have this kind of arrangement. Because the nature of their marriage itself excludes them from building these social assets.. friend network, people you can run to. So they  keep them in until they are dead. I  am not saying that all marriage are taking this path, but i am representing more than 45% of women in Tanzania who faces violence everyday.

Here is the question you may need to ask yourself today. Are you experiencing violence, do you have a network of friends, family and allies whom you may turn to. How do you view violence against women? Are you a supporting friend or  family whom others may turn to should they face difficulties?

10 Daily Struggles of Single Mothers life:

Well. most people will not understand the struggles of single mothers who are trying to get it right especially if she is seen well off on the outside. I am telling you, it is the daily roller coaster. The mood may change from very happy because your baby scored a goal in the school match to the very sad because of several other reason. Here are 10 daily struggle of single mothers
1. Balancing Work and family life: We all agree that to most single mothers  who are taking care of their children 100% without any financial support, giving  your best at work so as to keep it is not a subject of negotiation. You come home late, tired. All you want is take off your shoes, and snap that bra through the blouse sleeves, sway it across the room and collapse on the couch to watch news with hot delicious dinner and glass of wine or juice in front of you You may think of a feet massage a little bit as well!. But the moment you step in your house, the dinner, washing, homework cleaning , crying etc etc is waiting for you. Well, kind of being there since morning!
2. Which bill to pay first: There are school fees, utilities, rent, fuel (if you happen to have a car), food, clothes, medical, books, school trip, dentist...... In most cases money comes in through one window (your salary or income) and you have to prioritize which one comes first.
3. Juggling between hospital, dentist, school match to community gathering, family needs and official meetings. Have you ever wished that you could divide yourself in two or three or even five so as to do all the necessary? Tell me about it... i have been there!
4. Being both a prosecutor, judge and Jury! This occurs mostly when you are too tired to even brush your hair  and you are taking up that five minutes power nap because your toddler is sleeping while the older ones are doing their home works or playing and the fight breaks.. (trying to paint a picture here) and you want to do it as fast as possible so that you can go back to your sleep. And you become  a judge jury and prosecutor all at once while trying not to feel guilty!
5. Dating a new guy Vs your children welfare: Heads up guys: If you are dating a single mom, you should know that you are dating her and her child/children. No mother in a right state of mind would ever want a guy who does not love her kids. The constant fear and doubts whether your children will like him, or whether he will like your kids or whether they will get along well.. .. is really really exhausting: No wonder single mothers stay single for as long as it takes
6. Will your kids turn out right? No mother would like to see her kids end up in prison, or becomes and addict or of bad behavior. Every mother (at least most of us) dreams of raising the next Barrack Obama or Oprah. Intelligent, successful, influential; It is our dream. The constant fear of how our children will turn up  eats our guts everyday.
7. How does the Society look at me: Well, this is for those who cannot leave without an approval of others. The thinking that how does society look up at single mothers and treat them can be daunting. The bottom line question is "How did she end up a single mother? why doesn't she have a man in her life"? This puts a pressure on single moms to act in a certain way! Trust me i have seen   women change from one personality to another in a blink of an eye because they could not take up the pressure.
8. The well being and safety of our children: . Have you ever panicked because a principle in your baby's school called you because of your child. This is one phone call in my life i am scared off because you do not know what happened when they are at school. Or anywhere else!   it does not stop.  
9.Financial Security: You may agree with me or not but to most people this is one of the biggest questing and fear. The fear itself is a struggle and everyday you try to think of something new to keep your lives afloat.
10. Finding a new partner: Well, this may not be in our daily list of struggles but it  comes up sometime. If you are not in relationship, there is this effort, that comes from somewhere that one day you will find your other half. Be in church, at work, on the road... and you never stop looking!


I do not have solution for this but if you can share few tips on how you manage this.. feel free to drop them on the comments box

Big up to all single mothers out there! You rock the world!

Sex Education in Tanzanian Schools and the Way We Approach it!

The other day my son came back  home from school , crying, with his buttocks red and raised because of the beating from his teacher. He was so sore and swollen that he could barely stand straight leave alone sitting down. I could hardily contain my anger against whoever did that and i started ranting. I asked him what happened and said his teacher beat him and others because they talked about lady parts in the school bus  on the way back home. I was stunned with the level of stupidity and ignorance his teacher portrayed. I immediately called the school and asked to speak to the director and principal and whoever was there and threatened to bring them my son so that he can be sent to the hospital. The next morning i decided to get there early to give them a piece of my mind first on them beating my baby and what  and how i talk with my pre-teen boys about sex and sexuality.

I am a single parent, a mother and i am raising three children, two of them boys of 11 and 12 years old. They are at the age where they are fascinated with sex and women bodies and i decided that i would approach the matter openly and honestly.  So every week i would make sure i choose a topic we would discuss and the first question would be something like, " So.... tell me, what are  your friends  say about women menstruation for example" This would happen in a very informal setting such as while we are in the car, or cleaning, or in the kitchen. And they would tell me mostly what they have heard, and read and ask me what is it, i get an opportunity to set the information straight, and voila, no one is embarrassed or offended!

Now the other day, my son was trying to explain to his friend that women actually do have the private parts of their own and that they do use them to bring babies in the world and that for that to happen women have to go through menstruation period as part of the process. Actually, this is part of the information i shared with my sons. I also stressed out that, our culture pretty much prohibits people to talk about private parts publicly, but it is okay to talk about it if you are informing your friend about it. We actually developed code name for the parts so that if they don't feel comfortable,  they may use the code name instead. I insisted that the words should never ever used to offend another one because i would be very angry... So the learning was clear.

Back to the teachers and school, the kind of information they impart on our children's young minds are those of shame, hate, and kind of scary. They approach it in a way that sex is dirty and bad and is good  and nice at the same time because it gives us babies. The one question that my son once asked his teacher is, if sex was bad, why does he have a wife. To the best of his knowledge, married couples do have sex. The teacher said its bad for young children. And he corrected him by saying, then you should not say sex is bad, but the outcome of irresponsible sex for young children is bad. He said teachers should never criminalize sex but instead should teach children how to grow up and become responsible adults towards sex. In schools, teachers should also teach the kids the life skills so that children make responsible decisions when it comes to sex..... and this particular teacher did hold grudges against my son.

To teachers: Please do not confuse our children. Do not throw books on their face and ask them to read page so and so about reproductive health and never talk about it anymore or hold an honest discussion without whopping their assess.

To Parents: As much as we have the easiest way out of buying  computers and pay for internet services, a word of mouth is still as much as useful. internet provide all sort of false information. Who knows. The other day my son told me that he saw a porn video in the school computer and who knows what else is there...

DON’T DATE SINGLE MOTHERS AND DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THEM”- US AUTHOR WRITES SCATHING ARTICLE…GIVES 15 REASONS WHY MEN SHOULDN’T DATE SINGLE MOTHERS

I must admit: As i was reading this, i was bitterly mad at the author! How dare he insults my life and many more single mothers lives! But im sharing for you to read. Source: read it here

An American author named Shawn James this week wrote a controversial essay titled ‘Why Real Men Avoid Single Mothers’ – detailing 15 reasons why men should not date single mothers. It’s got people talking. Read below and tell us what you think…(If you’re a single mother, you won’t like this..:-))

1. Never Available. A single Mother’s schedule is never open. Single mothers are the kind of women to always cancel dates at the last minute. Something always gets in the way of a man spending time with her. It’s hard to have a relationship with her because she’s never there.

2. YOU are NOT a priority. Usually in a relationship the man winds up DEAD LAST. Behind, her kids, her job, the car, the kitchen sink, the stopped up toilet. Even the dog gets more attention and affection than a man involved with a single mother. Any man who gets involved with a single mother winds up a fifth stringer in a relationship. And he rarely ever gets called up to play.
3. Thinks the world revolves around HER and ONLY HER. A single mother is one of the biggest narcissists on the dating scene. She often thinks that a man has to drop everything in his life to be part of hers and her kids. They’re so selfish they don’t think a man has needs, wants or a life of his own. He’s just supposed to be there to give her everything she wants in life.
4. Emotionally Unavailable- Most Single mothers cannot form an intimate connection with a man because her feelings are invested in other people. Usually her primary focus is on her children.

In addition to dedicating herself to her children, most single mothers have given their hearts to someone else- their children’s father. And those feelings she still has for him will always prevent her from getting closer to you. There will always be some distance between a single mother and the new man in her life.
5. The ex/ Baby Daddy is ALWAYS THERE. A man just doesn’t deal with a single mother. He deals with her ex or her baby daddy as well. And this guy is always hovering around like a helicopter looking to c*ckblock you. Some of these guys still think they have a shot at getting back with her. Others just don’t want to see her happy. A lot of these dudes want to f!ght over her.

Seriously, it’s a game they’re playing with each other. And they’ll be playing that game with each other until their children turn 18 or 21. Head for the exit. It’s just not worth dealing with this fool and his insecure bullshyt.
6. The kids are working AGAINST YOU When dealing with a single mother you also deal with Kids. Kids who still in their little heart of hearts think that Dad will come back and love them.

Seriously, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
7. Those kids will HATE YOU. They will act out to keep you from getting closer to mommy. They will make accusations against you to get you in trouble. Again, it’s just not worth dealing with the bullsh*t to get with a female. There are four billion women in the world. You can find a quality female who doesn’t carry all this baggage or give you this much grief.
8. Entitled attitude Single mothers think because she had a baby out of wedlock the world owes her EVERYTHING. And she thinks she’s the one who deserves the best. Even though she’s usually collecting welfare, food stamps, or child support, in eyes she’s still supposed to be treated like she’s a queen because she popped a kid out of her v*gina.

In their deluded distorted vision of the world Men are still supposed to take her out to the finest restaurants and buy them lots of expensive stuff. And he’s supposed to take care of her kids too, buying them whatever they want while taking a blind eye to their bad behavior.
9. Distorted self-image Single mothers still thinks she’s as sexy like she was before she had a baby. Only she doesn’t understand how her body has changed. In some cases for the worse.

Single mothers are the type to try to squeeze themselves into sexy outfits like low-rise jeans and cropped T-shirts to show off their belly button, not seeing the muffin top and stretch marks squeezing out over the top of their pants. They’re the type to stuff themselves into slinky spandex dresses, (not aware of that gut, and the cellulite on their asses) and head out to the club. She thinks men are supposed to run up on her offering to buy her drinks. And because a few thirsty simps step to her, she thinks she’s still got it. But the only people who wants what she has to offer are scavengers at the bottom of the social scene.
10. Always the victim. Single Mothers never take responsibility for their actions. The situation they’re in is always the fault of that “no good man”, “these damn kids” their mother or someone else. They never take any time to do any self-examination or make any efforts to change their lives. They’re still looking for some Rich Incredibly Handsome Man™ to put on a cape and play Captain Save-A-Hoe™, sweep her off her feet and take her out of the troubling situation she helped make.
11. Jekyll & Hyde Personality. A single mother will be the sweetest thing when a man first dates her, but a few months into a relationship she turns into a NUTJOB. A man will usually see glimpses of this when she chastises her kids when he first meets them. During that meeting she’ll yell at them and bully them to get them to act right while praising a man like he’s an angel.

It’s all an act. Heaven will turn into Hell around the six month mark.

Once a single mother gets a man settled into her life it’s not common for her to start verbally abusing him and mocking him as she projects all that pent-up rage from those previous failed relationships onto him. And it’s usually around this point that most men realize why this woman is single and why it’s time for him to hit the exit door.
12. Drama Queen. Because a single mother always sees herself as a victim of society, she’s always talking about her problems. And she always has a new trouble to bring everyone. There’s never a good day in the life of a single mother because there’s always some new crisis about to emerge in her life.

The reason single mothers need the drama is because it makes them feel important. It makes people pay attention to them. And when Captain-Save-A-Hoe™ is doting on them trying to solve their problems it makes them feel an artificial sense of value. They need that value to deflects people’s attention from how pathetic their lives actually are.

Manipulative In most cases, a single mother has no interest in a man she’s dating. In a lot of cases she’s just using a guy as a pawn.
13. In most cases she’s dating to make her Baby Baddy jealous. Deep down in her heart of hearts she believes that if she’s seen with someone else who sees her as valuable that he’ll see her as valuable and take her back.

In other cases when she’s not trying to get a rise out of Baby Daddy she’s playing the sympathy card™ using a guy to get gifts, free dinners and free drinks out of him. To a single mother, The men in her lives are just human ATM machines where she whispers a sweet nothing in his ear like a PIN number and money comes out of his wallet.

And because she’s a drama queen who loves to play the victim, the Single mother plays to men’s emotions to get them to react in the way she wants. It’s not common for a single mother to tell her man man about her baby daddy so he can go f!ght him. Or pit two baby daddies against each other. Many a man has wound up either dead or in prison because a single Mother played the victim card™.
14. Dishonest. A single mother is a LIAR. It’s how she gets what she wants. It’s how she manipulates people. It’s how she takes care of her kids. It’s how she survives in this world.

Single mothers lie. And they LIE ALL THE TIME. They lie to men about their age, their height, their weight, how many kids they have, the job they do.

On top of the lies they tell to others They lie to themselves. They lie about about how beautiful they are. They lie telling themselves they’re still a catch. They lie telling themselves they still have a chance with a good man. They lie telling themselves that their lives will be happily ever after one day.

The horrible truth is without those lies most of those single mothers would realize how pathetic their lives are. How they have no options in the dating scene. That they’re at the bottom of the barrel in the dating scene and the only men who want them are pathetic Manginas and thirsty Simps.
15. Carries Baggage, baggage and more baggage A single mother has more issues than Time and Newsweek combined. And when she’s looking for a man, she’s not looking for an equal caring partner. She’s looking for a Pullman Porter™ to take care of her kids, and clean up her messes with her childrens’ father. Brothers, don’t let yourself get sized up for the white jacket and the bow tie!

Anyway, dealing with a single mother is like walking through a minefield. After several months of being involved with her, it leaves a man anxious and tense because he doesn’t know where to step that won’t lead to an explosion that k!lls him.
That’s why Real Men avoid single mothers like disease.
Real men understand life is too short to put up with someone’s drama and their emotional baggage. We only have a limited time on God’s Earth and who wants to spend it being a Pullman Porter cleaning up someone else’s messes. As I stated before in a previous blog, let that woman take her run over Jimmy Choos and clean up her own mess. She made her bed, now let her lie in the wet spot.
Don’t date single mothers and don’t waste your time with them. There are four billion women in this world. If you’re patient, you’ll find a good one.

When you are on Cross Roads- And Non of the Roads Seem to be Right

Here i am! On Cross Roads! I have been going through an emotional turmoil lately, trying to find what i need in life... Wondering if i am in the right job, although the pay is good and it puts food on my table. Or i should just quit and start my own business, where  long term financial stability is guaranteed if i put enough sweat, blood and brain. I sure im in cross roads.

And while this is happening, i know, it  fear is what is holding me back. (and dont roll your eyes now, it is true)  The comfort of waking up in the morning, knowing what you will do and the guarantee that by the end of the month i will get paid, is holding me back(and i think many others) . And i wonder if i really really want to get out of this mess, what should i do?

I read one day in one of those social media posts which goes around to any one, (and i get lots of them) that statistically, people who have attained higher level of education, are poor. Well, not practically, like they live under one dollar per day, but literally. They work all  day, earn money for someone else, they struggle with mortgages, and college debts, and bank debts, and the salary that would not round a month. Because they live a poor life in the inside and rich one  in the outside... And there comes me..... my reality!

If you ask me,  what i want? I want lot of things, i want the courage to be able to do what is right, i want financial sustainability, not the money every month which will end at the end of three years contract. I want to be sure that my family will be okay even if i quit my job today, i want to be able to see tomorrow, with confidence that everything will be okay, and most important of all, i want to achieve something for myself. It is a lot, but that is my wish list, at least for now. It is the cross road and it scares the hell out of me!

The April Fools Day! When your own Children get satisfaction of making a fool out of you

So, it is April  1st. Most of you  know how this day can turn from a normal day into a total panic especially when you get that shocking message that someone you care about is in ICU for heart attack or accident and you have to rush, or you won a prize that you have been waiting for soooo long! It is a very cautious day where you have to doubt everything and about everybody! even the people you respect the most! It is that day when you receive your bowl of cold revenge soup saved with chilled smile, or save one!

So today, my children got me! They saved me a year long cold soup of revenge. I had to drive for two hours, in a painfully slow traffic only to find out that it is April 1st. They got me. They called a very old friend of mine to arrange this with him in an exchange for  good grades in the coming term. They even gave up their two hours of TV on Saturday just to do this.

I got home from the office yesterday, the moment i sat down the telephone rings. My oldest son picks it up to only give me a message that my friend has called and that he lost his cellphone but he is having a little bit of trouble with the police (he is one of the most decent person i am gratefully to know) and that he is heading to the police station. And that once he gets back home, he will call me. I nod and weeell,... sit there and have my glass of juice.

Around 09.00PM, the phone rings again my youngest son picks it up and say it was my friend again, still at the police station,  and that things has turned out not so well, i get a little worried, but when i call back, the line does not go through. i tell myself that i will have to find out more about it tomorrow from his girlfriend.

Today around 0600AM, i called his girlfriend and she says that he was arrested and that she is on the way to the police station.. now i am freaking out, like really freaking out! A moment later, the phone rings and when i pick up he speaks in a hurry that he was arrested, and that he needs me to post bail for him so that he can go home. I take all necessary documents and steps, including calling one of our lawyer friend so that he can help out

I drive 46 KMS  to the police station and when i got at the counter and ask for him, the  man at the counter  give me this stupid face as if i am a mad woman. "We do not have anybody with that name" Now i am freaking out like 70% of all the worries you know. I ask again and they repeat the same. I call his girlfriend and she asks me to go to their house, there were big problems. Now i am not driving, i am racing there, because i am worried that he might be dead (police brutality.. you know) I get in the house only to find him wearing his girlfriend's pink flowered kimono with a steaming cup of coffee watching morning news.

What he says, go ask your sons about this i was just asked to do this with exchange for good grades and a month of NO TWO   HOURS OF TV. I am like ... whaaaat ... remember i had to call the office that i had an emergency!  Really!

When you get very tired, and you know the day is not yet finished! -A story of an angry single mother!

I am just angry but not broken. That is how a friend of mine who recently got out of the bad relationship with her husband of 14 years  starts. She married her high school sweetheart, even before she graduated. We were all envy of her, you know, those kind of relationships in those college days where you see the two love birds together and everyone predicts that they will end up getting married. " I think the public expectations sealed our marriage fate. everyone was looking at us and it would be very shameful if we did not get married....." Uuuuhhhhhgggghhhhh! What? Is that the reason you got married? I asked her in disbelief!

She had problems as soon as they got married, She did not go along with her sisters in laws and mother in law, she conceived a year after they got married, while unemployed, the husband worked in another town, she got a job after six years and three children, the husband had a girlfriend, and was drinking heavily, and her mother in law died, and their dog escaped, and their baby cried sooo much at night and she could not pay her rent at one time, and her babies were in public school because she could not afford private school anymore and i could not pick up which one was normal and which one was her marital problem, and which one were financial problems. To make a story short, her husband had a mistress, and he moved to her house and come back when he lost his job and started abusing her and her children and stole her money and made her quit her job.

She is now raising her children alone with a salary which does not round up the month and leave in one of the crappy neighborhood and she is angry. "I am angry for the time i lost, and the opportunities i let  pass me, and friends i lost and the life i leave now. I am angry because i did not know when to get out. It is definitely not now, it was supposed to be years ago.

I do everything by myself. I work 14 hours a day including travel time. I wish when i get home, somebody could rub my feet and prepare some tea or juice but instead i run into cooking, and doing homework and cleaning and prepare the children for the next day and making the beds and fetch water and go to one of those community meetings sometimes. At 10 PM i am still moving around and i know i cannot go to sleep until i have everything in order. I instituted case in Primary court against him for support for his children but i know it will take years before they ask him to pay 100,000 shillings per month as maintenance.

This is one woman i know and i am sure you know another one. You see them everyday, they are angry but not broken, They picked up the pieces of their lives, dust them off and hold their heads high, smiling knowing that there is always tomorrow where things will get better.
Salute to them all!

Yeeeey! It is International Women's Day 2016

It is yet another time of the year where we celebrate women. Personally, i am a feminist. i believe in Women's rights. To me Women's Right is not a subject. It is a moral value i live with. It is my religion. my belief.

As we celebrate IWD this year, i was reflecting how we are drifting away from the originality of the day.  A day where we look back and celebrate women's struggle and cherish the fruit of everyday success. Unfortunately, we have kind of lost focus on this

While we are very sure to remember ourselves, with a little pampering and a good meal, i do not think this day is meant for that. This day is meant  for  looking  at our struggle, to remember the deeper meaning in  being women workers, and farmers, and stay at home mums, and doctors lawyers, teachers, food vendors, manufacturers, nurses, politicians, government officials, preachers etc etc. We have to find a clearer meaning on how these are  contributing to the world we have today, statistically and naratively and bring this into visibility.

We have to add voice into our work and how they are contributing to the economy today. We have to put a value in our giving birth so that  people stop call it "A woman's work" It is not just a woman's work but a central  pillar of human race.

I salute all women out there who have stayed strong and true to the cause. I salute all women who have gotten through the difficulties paused by traditional roles of women. Who have survived deaths and violence,  Who have gone through labor pain and C section  and yet stayed awake at night to feed their children. I salute every woman out there who had the courage to shake the patriarch system and bring the stupid ideologies down.

It is IWD, give women salute everywhere!

Financial Crisis- How Single Mothers Experience it!

I know you have heard about this a thousands times, that you need to have multiple sources of income to sustain your life. Salary alone is not enough. And here is the list of my monthly needs, rent, school fees, fuel, food, electricity, water, car maintenance, house help, TV cable, medical bills (thank lord i have an insurance cover)sanitary pads, lotions, hair maintenance (just kidding, i am bald) etc etc etc. I have been using the same mattress for the last eight years (good lord my back is killing me!) and my refrigerator sounds like a broken milling machine,  my sofas are at least 13 years old, the last time i had a pair of new shoes... only lord knows, and a new dress, (i dont even remember if people wear these kind of clothes anymore and the list goes on! We do have Christmas, and Easter and birthdays and christening here, which means new clothes, nice food (and by nice it means all unhealthy food which are very expensive in this part)  How much do i earn per month, you will be amazed that we even round up a month before we starve ourselves to death.

This is the reality of many single mothers who are alone with no support from the father of their children. ( if they are alive) The "money problem" is choking them to death and it is amazing that you will still see many of them out there smiling and have their hair combed and well maintained and shoes clean and their handbags gracefully dangling on their shoulders, and walk their heads high as if everything is okay. In fact, most of them are scared to death. they are not sure what is next in their plates say the minute their children get sick (most of them do not have health insurance) or someone back at their village has died. It is an endless battle of worries and providing comfort and assurance to their children on their own.

Unfortunately, there are no known support system (at least here) for these women in terms of coming together and share what they have. It is surprising that they are still sane. Seriously, they need a lifetime psychotherapy for them to be able to continue. No wonder most of these women are found in churches where they seek hope (and sometimes husbands) or in bars where they try to numb the pain of their lives by alcohol. 

If you look around, you will see many of them. Look deep in their eyes, there is something there, something that cannot be explained. Something  sad and angry, yet victorious. they may be beaten, but they are not broken. At least most of those i know! They are true Heros of today! Salute to all singe mothers out there!

Being a Woman Single Parent! A choice or Coincidence- Do You deal with the same stuff differently?

I know some people are going to shoot me right now  just saying "Single Parent" instead of Independent Parent. I understand the sentiment the words bring, but anyway, lets go with the known one for now--Single Parent.

The questions remain, is there a difference in  a way women single parents raise their children when it comes to whether being single parent was a matter of choice or coincidence? I do not have answers myself, but i am a single parent on both situation. From a failed relationship and by choice.

If you look the two closely, there is a  difference in feeling when raising the children as a single parent, either by choice or coincidence. One thing i want to put straight is that in most people, (at least those i talked to) admit that one thing that does not change is their love for their children. Being single by choice or coincidence has nothing to do with how you love and treat  your children. Although the feeling is not the same.

Here are some of  the things that were said
Being single by choice: Single within the meaning itself! ( and when the father is not on the picture)
1. You have entire you and yourself to decide the welfare of the child without any reservation  especially when the father is not in the picture. You decide which schools they go, when  and where to move, which religion they will follow etc.
2. No probabilities: When something is decided, it becomes it! No changes of plans, no expectations, nothing. It is just you and your baby. There are no probabilities like... well, is he going to contribute   school fees, will he visit, will he buy this year's Christmas gift?  
3.You have total control  and say on how you raise your child; nobody questions, no double instructions, nothing. It is just you.
4.You make sure you become a good example: Well.... let me not say much about this. My good example can be different from yours, and who cares as long as they are within the law and takes into account the welfare of your baby?
5.You feel free!

I will write about being single by coincidence either as a result of bad relationship, divorce or death. In the meantime, let me know what you think by commenting! i will be glad to read

I am Back Again.... What is going to Happen Next!!!

Here i am!  I kind of abandoned this space for a while to try and find myself,  (who am i kidding, I didn't have time.) But i just came back because i think there is a meaning in this and i want to share it out there.  And i am going to tell you what i am planning and what i will be doing with this space.But before i start... full disclosure... English is not my first Language, so please read the content understand the context and comment if you wish. My grammar may be bad, but there is a meaning in what i communicate....So here are the few things that i will be looking at

1. Small stories: Lets call them Dar es Salaam Delights. We will look at the lifestyles and what is happening around and what does that mean. I will be gratefully if you could leave the comments here or at our  facebook page.

2. Health tips around the web: You may tell us what you think, whether they are helpful or not, whether you want to try them or not. anything! (i am not the health specialist, or nutritional expert, or doctor or anything of that  nature, all information are entirely third part information)

3. Politics: If at all we will be able to discuss them: You know, we kind of have something new in politics everyday from our newly elected President Magufuli and its cabinet. (By the way i am Tanzanian)

4. Travels: Well... not entirely travel, like safari or something, but travel within Tanzania generally, i will base in Dar and i will write articles that those who are in Dar can relate with. and those who wish to visit can use!

5. Independent (single)  Parenting: This is  big one: I am single, independent parent of three and i have a lot to share. i have 10 years experience on this and i  have learned a lot. It may not be perfect but i will share with you what my learning and others are.

6. Anything at all!

Sit back and  enjoy!

Seeking Comfort in Revenge

Have you ever been hurt? I bet the answer is YES. Most cases, we get hurt by people close to our hearts, people we trust and have our confidence on them, people who were once the most important people in our lives and now they kind of ..... well, screw you up.... Yeah, i got screwed up by the guy i once trusted and welcomed not only in my heart, but in my house, who ate with us, sleep in our beds, bath in our bathroom using our water we pay bill for, eat our food and who prayed with us. The last person i would never imagine.

Here is the story.....

I was in a little accident and injured my foot. On first few days i could not make out of  bed without help and i needed money. i could not go anywhere. So, he was home, i asked him if he could help me get some cash from the close ATM machine and he said Yes, so i gave him my password, and  a card. He returned the card and money, with the balance still the same. I was thankful. little did i know that he was planing to screw me up. He stole my card when i was not aware and disappeared with it.

i looked for my card and at first i thought i had misplaced it... i didnt care so much as i was not using the account regularly, so i was not worried. Few weeks later i received sms from my cellphone telling me that i had exceeded the amount of cash withdrawal from my account and i should check with the bank...That was when i was worried. I checked my balance with the bank and found that he had withdrawn 3/4 of my servings. The servings that i had kept for almost 12 years. My security... i was angry...no, furious. I called him and he never picked up the phone.

Now i am furious, i am thinking of revenge....revenging this guy that it hurts him so much he never forgets. Revenging him that he will never do the same thing to anyone... The thought itself have calmed me down (i have never get a revenge on anyone before) Knowing that i will hurt him is making me coping with the situation (of being broke of course), I would give anything to lay my fingers on him...  . They say revenge is a dish best served cold... looks like i will wait, so that i serve his dish not cold, but chilled... or may be as i wait i will be able to let it go and forgive.... So, i am still waiting, i am angry, no i am furious, but i will wait. Not that i cannot reach where he is, i could, but i will wait for karma to take its place... they say..Karma is a Bitch...it responds right there and then! I am waiting

How Judgmental Are you!

My friend told me one day that i always jumped into conclusion when something i didn't like happened. I used to relate everything with everything and  draw conclusion which was the never ending spiral kind of events that one thing lead to another and another  and another to the situation at hand.It was that feeling of insecurity if you know what i mean that i counted myself as a victim of situation and time and every conclusion  i made was based on these strings of events in  my life.

My past life and experience has not been so good in keeping relationships, especially with guys (boyfriends to be specific) because coming from  abusive,  non functional relationship destroyed what i saw in men. I  used to think men where taking my relationship and openness with them for granted, that they were alike and knew what i had went through.... it got ugly.

Thanks to this one Man who once told me, "you are very sweet girl, i love you, but your judgmental attitude is a really turn off for me and i am going to leave you for that. I cannot handle it. If you are not going to change it, no man will ever want to put up with this no matter how good you are" And even after he said this,  i ended up blaming him for being insensitive and self centered... and  yeah... he left me... for real!

It took me years to realize what i was doing to myself. I used to see problems in others,  and not a piece of my doings in the particular problem and ended up  shifting blame and jump into conclusions about other people's doing even though i contributed 80% of the problem. I wanted to change that so much, not to please anybody, but just for myself. I started small, by realizing that if there is more than one person in a particular action there must be some kind  of shared responsibility  when the same action ends up into a problem. I asked friends to give me  small pinch (when i am close) if i was being judgmental just to remind myself where i stood.  I also started by recognizing when i was being judgmental and correcting what i was saying if i had already saying anything judgmental.

I posted on my walls (in the house of course) the importance of taking responsibility and seeing positive side on   people, trying to see things differently and understand that my past experience has nothing to do with my future... the past has to be where it is and it is my past which made me who i am today.

Thanks to this one particular man because it changed a lot how i viewed things. I am not saying that i am good than anybody, but i am sure i am better than i was yesterday. This alone is a battle, almost won, but until then, i am hanging on there... knowing that i tomorrow i will be better than today, as i am still learning and grow!

Being a Woman

Being a Woman, is not only about being just a woman
It is a beauty no one can imagine except a woman herself,
It is not about being beautiful and tender outside,
But being strong and powerful in the inside,
Being a woman is the gift, others would not like to embrace
But dread the fact, blaming and cursing,
While   have no  idea how beautiful, and important it is.

Being a woman is not only about giving birth to a thousand babies,
But the struggle between yesterday and tomorrow,
It is not about what others are saying about being a woman,
But what you feel and believe in the inside
It is not about how they treat you,
But how you decide how to handle their treatment
Should you keep silent,
And let their treatment pass over?
Or, Oh, no, this is not right at all
Or thank you for treating me so well?

Being a woman is not about the endless work,
But the appreciation of the change they bring,
if the world were to turn upside down today,
it is only women who could make that happen
Because of the role they play,
For their role is too important to be ignored
And rated as just a woman work,
a housewife and stay at home mom

Salute to all women out their,
Who refuse to be undermined,
Whose voice have been heard from the kitchen,
telling their children and husbands to behave,
to the women out there,
Who bend the heads of thousands powerful men
And to women who keep the world going
because being a woman is too important to be ignored

Can My life Tell a New Story

I always wonder why we often compare our difficulties and pain to that of others, thinking that what we have on our plate is as overwhelming as it can get, and that people who are not in the space we’re in probably have it easier. Truth is, life is challenging for everyone. Whether employed or unemployed, single or married, short or tall, you have great challenges of your own and you wish things could get easier in this or that area of your life. A colleague of mine couldn’t have put it better when he said “Just being on earth is a challenge!”

One challenge we often encounter – if I could speak for myself – is fear. Fear can become even more paralyzing when you have big dreams for your life, you want to succeed and not be a failure, but when look in your family, people closest to you, you see no reference to the life you have envisioned for yourself and you begin to wonder if this dream you have will ever become reality. If you are one person who likes to find out a bit more on issues happening in society and in our world, you will notice that some reports online or even people would say that children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves, or that people who have been hurt usually go on hurting others. It’s all just a cycle! These kinds of reports can be destabilizing for people concerned, and make one wonder “Can my life tell a different story”? This isn’t a situation of being unable to dream big, I personally have big dreams and I know what I want for my life, but…….fear!

But then again, more than our direct families, we live in a world populated with people whose stories are comforting and inspiring. You may come from a divorced family but think of those who hadn’t even known their parents but made something meaningful of their lives. One inspiring story, carrying a poignant message is told in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”. Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith), the man whose story is told in that movie, came from a very humble background, was homeless for a whole season in his life, but today, his life certainly tells a new story, totally different from that of his predecessors. Here is one of his many inspirational quotes:

“The future was uncertain, absolutely, and there were many hurdles, twists, and turns to come, but as long as I kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, the voices of fear and shame, the messages from those who wanted me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, would be stilled.” 

Are you one who desires to break free from the cycle of poverty, instability and broken families but feel bound by a fear whispering to you that you can’t? Those who rose above the same limitations you have right now and paved a way for a new generation to come first believed it was possible and secondly committed to seeing it come to pass. It is our desire here at 1Africa for you and everyone visiting our page to write a new story. More than it being a desire, we are committing to taking you through the first steps into breaking free from fear and beginning to write a new story.  

Can your life tell a new story? Yes it can! We are confident about it, so should you!

Source: http://www.1africa.tv/can-my-life-tell-a-new-story/

I loved this article, and wanted to share with you!

The Joy of Giving!

There was this time when i was very depressed, and did'nt know what to do with my life. I  had a good job and wonderful colleagues. Frankly speaking, i didn't know what the problem was except that i was lonely (not alone). I had somehow distanced myself from my family, and friends for no reason at all and didn't know how to come back. I used to complain, to everybody and about everything and nothing seemed right.

A friend of mine said that may be i should start giving more than expecting from others. it worked. I started by giving time and attention to people who needed it. I started by supporting some of my colleagues who needed my help at work. (not doing their work, but work together to overcome some challenges they had) i gave  my time to raise funds  for women groups and organizations in the area, and volunteered at the women's rights organization by attending clients who needed legal aid. The result was priceless, and feeling was good. i loved it!

Giving is not about materials or money only, but also what you extend to those who need them. A smile, time, a hug, kiss or a help, given with all the heart without looking back and regret is enough blessing to keep one going for a year. It is you who give who is helped, more than those who receive. The satisfaction upon giving and the feeling is not something money can buy someone can give you!

My learning: give without thinking, not for help but because the inner you feel good by giving. And yeah, there are ungrateful people who will stub you after giving them, ( a friend of mine was insulted by a homeless man after giving him one thousand shillings while she was driving expensive car)  but do not stop, keep on giving, the reward is priceless, heart warming and blessing. It is a joy i cannot explain, because i know it!

Looking at life differently!

When i was a young girl, i wanted to be a doctor, because  my mom got sick and i wanted to help her. I ended up studying law, and work on NGOs both local and international without practicing law a single day in my working life and still wonder how can life take a total different direction from what you sometime plan.

My outlook in life is improving, i am trying to look at life more positively but not naive, trust people and enjoy each moment i have in life. I try to remind myself constantly who i am and and what good i have done in this world. Trust me, it is not easy. And as a struggle to  reminding myself who i am, and my worth plus sharing my moment and connecting with others, that is why i started this blog. It is a place to share my emotions and experience with other.. i may not have a lot to teach people, but i have enough for people to learn from me. i am trying to leave what i am putting here in public.

I am not  philosophical about life, but i understand it in a simplest way i can leave and share with other. To me, life is a moment, whether good or bad, but a lesson that is priceless.. I used to think, a good life is having everything   you want, from material point of view. I am in  transformation to change this  thinking, because that is what i was taught. You have to go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. I am still taking stock of what i have not in terms of material possession, but the priceless little things that put meaning in my life.

I used to be ashamed that i don't have a good car, beautiful house, stable marriage  and money to buy everything i wanted for me and my children. i used to stay away from school mates who had all those materials, and when i met them accidentally, i would lie that my car was broken that is why i was taking a taxi or public transport, or i would lie that i had a house in another town, but all these were because i wanted to look like them. Until  when i found out that some of  my friends had rocky marriages, others had married men for boyfriends, others had debts way over their heads and they weren't completely 100% happy as i thought.

My learning from this experience, no matter how and who you are, (1) there is something about you that others don't have. They are dying to have what you have. Example, on my case, although i do not have a marriage and i am living single, others are dying to have my independence and free-ness. (2) Looking at life positively, does'nt mean that you accept everything and let yourself taken for granted, but the understanding that others have their own way of looking at life and at some point you need to let them be!

My first Post

This is my first post on this blog, And i am going to tell you why i decide to write this blog.

This blog is specifically about me, my life, my journey...I will sometimes write small things about my family.

I am a woman, as i am writing this post i am 35 years old, single mom with three children! Two handsome, intelligent sons aged 11 and 10 and a beautiful  sweet girl of 14 months. I am blessed that i have them. My first two sons are from my previous marriage, a failed marriage which left me ANGRY, rather than broken. Unfortunately, i do not know why i got married in the first place, because i was on my early 20's, in college, met this handsome guy, got pregnant and even before i knew it, Baaaaam... im pregnant. Learning from my sisters experience who had a baby before marriage and the trauma she went through, i decided to leave with this guy in 2004, had my first son the same year, conceived again when he was 4 months, married in a church in 2005, had my second son the same year and separated in 2006. it was a series of events like in a movie and looking myself now, i cant believe that this was so very me!

I met another  guy in 2009 and had a relationship, on and off until i moved in the same city where he lived, conceived in 2013 and had my girl in 2013. The pregnancy took a toll on me and couldn't keep this relationship either, so i had to let it go. To be frank the ending of this relationship did hurt me. it left a hole deep down in me that i have been finding a way to fill it. A very deep dark hole that i started filling it with food and drink, and meaningless relationships, and all kind of  actions that would make me excited. And i confused excitement with happiness.

I gained weight, and hated my body, spent my money in things i would regret later, lost my friends because i was ashamed, blame my fate because i didn't know what i really wanted and how to get there, depressed and angry all the time.

For some reasons, i decided i wanted to change things around me. So i decided to read, all the inspirational books and articles and lines i could get and slowly, i started with small action. example, i changed the direction of my bed... and it changed a lot how i viewed my life!

It is a journey, a very long journey with lots of ups and down but i now i will get there. I have few friends, co workers,  and a very sweet neighbor. i am still rebuilding and reconnecting with people i lost, and make plans to make my life better! Welcome and travel with me! i hope you will enjoy reading!