Sex Education in Tanzanian Schools and the Way We Approach it!

The other day my son came back  home from school , crying, with his buttocks red and raised because of the beating from his teacher. He was so sore and swollen that he could barely stand straight leave alone sitting down. I could hardily contain my anger against whoever did that and i started ranting. I asked him what happened and said his teacher beat him and others because they talked about lady parts in the school bus  on the way back home. I was stunned with the level of stupidity and ignorance his teacher portrayed. I immediately called the school and asked to speak to the director and principal and whoever was there and threatened to bring them my son so that he can be sent to the hospital. The next morning i decided to get there early to give them a piece of my mind first on them beating my baby and what  and how i talk with my pre-teen boys about sex and sexuality.

I am a single parent, a mother and i am raising three children, two of them boys of 11 and 12 years old. They are at the age where they are fascinated with sex and women bodies and i decided that i would approach the matter openly and honestly.  So every week i would make sure i choose a topic we would discuss and the first question would be something like, " So.... tell me, what are  your friends  say about women menstruation for example" This would happen in a very informal setting such as while we are in the car, or cleaning, or in the kitchen. And they would tell me mostly what they have heard, and read and ask me what is it, i get an opportunity to set the information straight, and voila, no one is embarrassed or offended!

Now the other day, my son was trying to explain to his friend that women actually do have the private parts of their own and that they do use them to bring babies in the world and that for that to happen women have to go through menstruation period as part of the process. Actually, this is part of the information i shared with my sons. I also stressed out that, our culture pretty much prohibits people to talk about private parts publicly, but it is okay to talk about it if you are informing your friend about it. We actually developed code name for the parts so that if they don't feel comfortable,  they may use the code name instead. I insisted that the words should never ever used to offend another one because i would be very angry... So the learning was clear.

Back to the teachers and school, the kind of information they impart on our children's young minds are those of shame, hate, and kind of scary. They approach it in a way that sex is dirty and bad and is good  and nice at the same time because it gives us babies. The one question that my son once asked his teacher is, if sex was bad, why does he have a wife. To the best of his knowledge, married couples do have sex. The teacher said its bad for young children. And he corrected him by saying, then you should not say sex is bad, but the outcome of irresponsible sex for young children is bad. He said teachers should never criminalize sex but instead should teach children how to grow up and become responsible adults towards sex. In schools, teachers should also teach the kids the life skills so that children make responsible decisions when it comes to sex..... and this particular teacher did hold grudges against my son.

To teachers: Please do not confuse our children. Do not throw books on their face and ask them to read page so and so about reproductive health and never talk about it anymore or hold an honest discussion without whopping their assess.

To Parents: As much as we have the easiest way out of buying  computers and pay for internet services, a word of mouth is still as much as useful. internet provide all sort of false information. Who knows. The other day my son told me that he saw a porn video in the school computer and who knows what else is there...

Financial Crisis- How Single Mothers Experience it!

I know you have heard about this a thousands times, that you need to have multiple sources of income to sustain your life. Salary alone is not enough. And here is the list of my monthly needs, rent, school fees, fuel, food, electricity, water, car maintenance, house help, TV cable, medical bills (thank lord i have an insurance cover)sanitary pads, lotions, hair maintenance (just kidding, i am bald) etc etc etc. I have been using the same mattress for the last eight years (good lord my back is killing me!) and my refrigerator sounds like a broken milling machine,  my sofas are at least 13 years old, the last time i had a pair of new shoes... only lord knows, and a new dress, (i dont even remember if people wear these kind of clothes anymore and the list goes on! We do have Christmas, and Easter and birthdays and christening here, which means new clothes, nice food (and by nice it means all unhealthy food which are very expensive in this part)  How much do i earn per month, you will be amazed that we even round up a month before we starve ourselves to death.

This is the reality of many single mothers who are alone with no support from the father of their children. ( if they are alive) The "money problem" is choking them to death and it is amazing that you will still see many of them out there smiling and have their hair combed and well maintained and shoes clean and their handbags gracefully dangling on their shoulders, and walk their heads high as if everything is okay. In fact, most of them are scared to death. they are not sure what is next in their plates say the minute their children get sick (most of them do not have health insurance) or someone back at their village has died. It is an endless battle of worries and providing comfort and assurance to their children on their own.

Unfortunately, there are no known support system (at least here) for these women in terms of coming together and share what they have. It is surprising that they are still sane. Seriously, they need a lifetime psychotherapy for them to be able to continue. No wonder most of these women are found in churches where they seek hope (and sometimes husbands) or in bars where they try to numb the pain of their lives by alcohol. 

If you look around, you will see many of them. Look deep in their eyes, there is something there, something that cannot be explained. Something  sad and angry, yet victorious. they may be beaten, but they are not broken. At least most of those i know! They are true Heros of today! Salute to all singe mothers out there!

The Weight Loss NightMare

Well,  people love the "The perfect Body", but if asking what this means everybody has their own description. I have mine too! My own image of the perfect body. Do not get me wrong, but i love the curved one, with everything on its right place, in moderate size and shape. And it is from this description that i always have a nightmare,  bad dream that leaves me shaking and sweating.

Currently, i am on my weight loss journey.. It is a journey because, well...  it is. i started gym few days ago (five days to be precise). With all the determination, and promises to myself that i am going to put off 20 kg, (i am overweight with at least 25) . Day one was great, worked really hard, and started feeling in shape already, day two was a bit intense than day 1 ( i thought i already knew my way around the gym and wanted to try every machine). on day three that is when the night mare started.

I would dream that i was slim (too slim) that all my clothes wouldn't fit and then i am huge with very big booty  (like seasonal pumpkin) and very fat legs yet i would fit in my old jeans ( I am keeping my old jeans, if  i fit in them, then i have reached my goal) and sometimes  i would dream that i am eating my favorite french fries and pork ribs ("Portion control" and " Eat Healthy" are posted all over the house) and i would wake up with drools all over my face.

I wonder how the  mind can trick the body (or vice versa) because in five days i already feel i am looking toward my perfect body, although looking at the mirror, i  sometime feel that my eyes are ticking me. I am learning to understand that working out for the perfect body is not a very long term solution but working out to be healthy. At least this will reduce the number of nightmares one will have in a night. If only i would start going to the gym for my health not for the perfect body.

There is this feeling that comes with working out, i cannot really explain it by they are sweet, victorious feeling that make you feel more beautiful, and health and clean and perfect. After a hard, sweaty work out, the feeling of water running through your head to toe, the comforting and refreshing it brings cannot be explained easily. After hitting a gym or running for few days, (if you are the beginner like me) the feeling that you are much faster, and lighter than before you start is sooo nice and worth embracing. I love this feeling and it keeps me going!

Unfortunately, most of us are obsessed with scale. We are getting upset if we do not put off the pounds we intend to in a week. As a result we start finding faults in a process, like whether you are taking more calories than you should not have, or you are spending less time exercising, or the exercise you are doing is not good enough and sometime we even shift these blames to the instructors, that they are not good enough. As a result we end up in crash diets or intensive exercise that are not healthy at all.  In this process we forget all about the feeling that comes with the exercise, which is very important part of the process. They are the Underrated Feel Good Moments that should be number one in this journey

If you are in this journey, like me you probably understand what i am talking about!

Can My life Tell a New Story

I always wonder why we often compare our difficulties and pain to that of others, thinking that what we have on our plate is as overwhelming as it can get, and that people who are not in the space we’re in probably have it easier. Truth is, life is challenging for everyone. Whether employed or unemployed, single or married, short or tall, you have great challenges of your own and you wish things could get easier in this or that area of your life. A colleague of mine couldn’t have put it better when he said “Just being on earth is a challenge!”

One challenge we often encounter – if I could speak for myself – is fear. Fear can become even more paralyzing when you have big dreams for your life, you want to succeed and not be a failure, but when look in your family, people closest to you, you see no reference to the life you have envisioned for yourself and you begin to wonder if this dream you have will ever become reality. If you are one person who likes to find out a bit more on issues happening in society and in our world, you will notice that some reports online or even people would say that children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves, or that people who have been hurt usually go on hurting others. It’s all just a cycle! These kinds of reports can be destabilizing for people concerned, and make one wonder “Can my life tell a different story”? This isn’t a situation of being unable to dream big, I personally have big dreams and I know what I want for my life, but…….fear!

But then again, more than our direct families, we live in a world populated with people whose stories are comforting and inspiring. You may come from a divorced family but think of those who hadn’t even known their parents but made something meaningful of their lives. One inspiring story, carrying a poignant message is told in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”. Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith), the man whose story is told in that movie, came from a very humble background, was homeless for a whole season in his life, but today, his life certainly tells a new story, totally different from that of his predecessors. Here is one of his many inspirational quotes:

“The future was uncertain, absolutely, and there were many hurdles, twists, and turns to come, but as long as I kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, the voices of fear and shame, the messages from those who wanted me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, would be stilled.” 

Are you one who desires to break free from the cycle of poverty, instability and broken families but feel bound by a fear whispering to you that you can’t? Those who rose above the same limitations you have right now and paved a way for a new generation to come first believed it was possible and secondly committed to seeing it come to pass. It is our desire here at 1Africa for you and everyone visiting our page to write a new story. More than it being a desire, we are committing to taking you through the first steps into breaking free from fear and beginning to write a new story.  

Can your life tell a new story? Yes it can! We are confident about it, so should you!

Source: http://www.1africa.tv/can-my-life-tell-a-new-story/

I loved this article, and wanted to share with you!

The Joy of Giving!

There was this time when i was very depressed, and did'nt know what to do with my life. I  had a good job and wonderful colleagues. Frankly speaking, i didn't know what the problem was except that i was lonely (not alone). I had somehow distanced myself from my family, and friends for no reason at all and didn't know how to come back. I used to complain, to everybody and about everything and nothing seemed right.

A friend of mine said that may be i should start giving more than expecting from others. it worked. I started by giving time and attention to people who needed it. I started by supporting some of my colleagues who needed my help at work. (not doing their work, but work together to overcome some challenges they had) i gave  my time to raise funds  for women groups and organizations in the area, and volunteered at the women's rights organization by attending clients who needed legal aid. The result was priceless, and feeling was good. i loved it!

Giving is not about materials or money only, but also what you extend to those who need them. A smile, time, a hug, kiss or a help, given with all the heart without looking back and regret is enough blessing to keep one going for a year. It is you who give who is helped, more than those who receive. The satisfaction upon giving and the feeling is not something money can buy someone can give you!

My learning: give without thinking, not for help but because the inner you feel good by giving. And yeah, there are ungrateful people who will stub you after giving them, ( a friend of mine was insulted by a homeless man after giving him one thousand shillings while she was driving expensive car)  but do not stop, keep on giving, the reward is priceless, heart warming and blessing. It is a joy i cannot explain, because i know it!

Looking at life differently!

When i was a young girl, i wanted to be a doctor, because  my mom got sick and i wanted to help her. I ended up studying law, and work on NGOs both local and international without practicing law a single day in my working life and still wonder how can life take a total different direction from what you sometime plan.

My outlook in life is improving, i am trying to look at life more positively but not naive, trust people and enjoy each moment i have in life. I try to remind myself constantly who i am and and what good i have done in this world. Trust me, it is not easy. And as a struggle to  reminding myself who i am, and my worth plus sharing my moment and connecting with others, that is why i started this blog. It is a place to share my emotions and experience with other.. i may not have a lot to teach people, but i have enough for people to learn from me. i am trying to leave what i am putting here in public.

I am not  philosophical about life, but i understand it in a simplest way i can leave and share with other. To me, life is a moment, whether good or bad, but a lesson that is priceless.. I used to think, a good life is having everything   you want, from material point of view. I am in  transformation to change this  thinking, because that is what i was taught. You have to go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. I am still taking stock of what i have not in terms of material possession, but the priceless little things that put meaning in my life.

I used to be ashamed that i don't have a good car, beautiful house, stable marriage  and money to buy everything i wanted for me and my children. i used to stay away from school mates who had all those materials, and when i met them accidentally, i would lie that my car was broken that is why i was taking a taxi or public transport, or i would lie that i had a house in another town, but all these were because i wanted to look like them. Until  when i found out that some of  my friends had rocky marriages, others had married men for boyfriends, others had debts way over their heads and they weren't completely 100% happy as i thought.

My learning from this experience, no matter how and who you are, (1) there is something about you that others don't have. They are dying to have what you have. Example, on my case, although i do not have a marriage and i am living single, others are dying to have my independence and free-ness. (2) Looking at life positively, does'nt mean that you accept everything and let yourself taken for granted, but the understanding that others have their own way of looking at life and at some point you need to let them be!

My first Post

This is my first post on this blog, And i am going to tell you why i decide to write this blog.

This blog is specifically about me, my life, my journey...I will sometimes write small things about my family.

I am a woman, as i am writing this post i am 35 years old, single mom with three children! Two handsome, intelligent sons aged 11 and 10 and a beautiful  sweet girl of 14 months. I am blessed that i have them. My first two sons are from my previous marriage, a failed marriage which left me ANGRY, rather than broken. Unfortunately, i do not know why i got married in the first place, because i was on my early 20's, in college, met this handsome guy, got pregnant and even before i knew it, Baaaaam... im pregnant. Learning from my sisters experience who had a baby before marriage and the trauma she went through, i decided to leave with this guy in 2004, had my first son the same year, conceived again when he was 4 months, married in a church in 2005, had my second son the same year and separated in 2006. it was a series of events like in a movie and looking myself now, i cant believe that this was so very me!

I met another  guy in 2009 and had a relationship, on and off until i moved in the same city where he lived, conceived in 2013 and had my girl in 2013. The pregnancy took a toll on me and couldn't keep this relationship either, so i had to let it go. To be frank the ending of this relationship did hurt me. it left a hole deep down in me that i have been finding a way to fill it. A very deep dark hole that i started filling it with food and drink, and meaningless relationships, and all kind of  actions that would make me excited. And i confused excitement with happiness.

I gained weight, and hated my body, spent my money in things i would regret later, lost my friends because i was ashamed, blame my fate because i didn't know what i really wanted and how to get there, depressed and angry all the time.

For some reasons, i decided i wanted to change things around me. So i decided to read, all the inspirational books and articles and lines i could get and slowly, i started with small action. example, i changed the direction of my bed... and it changed a lot how i viewed my life!

It is a journey, a very long journey with lots of ups and down but i now i will get there. I have few friends, co workers,  and a very sweet neighbor. i am still rebuilding and reconnecting with people i lost, and make plans to make my life better! Welcome and travel with me! i hope you will enjoy reading!