Seeking Comfort in Revenge

Have you ever been hurt? I bet the answer is YES. Most cases, we get hurt by people close to our hearts, people we trust and have our confidence on them, people who were once the most important people in our lives and now they kind of ..... well, screw you up.... Yeah, i got screwed up by the guy i once trusted and welcomed not only in my heart, but in my house, who ate with us, sleep in our beds, bath in our bathroom using our water we pay bill for, eat our food and who prayed with us. The last person i would never imagine.

Here is the story.....

I was in a little accident and injured my foot. On first few days i could not make out of  bed without help and i needed money. i could not go anywhere. So, he was home, i asked him if he could help me get some cash from the close ATM machine and he said Yes, so i gave him my password, and  a card. He returned the card and money, with the balance still the same. I was thankful. little did i know that he was planing to screw me up. He stole my card when i was not aware and disappeared with it.

i looked for my card and at first i thought i had misplaced it... i didnt care so much as i was not using the account regularly, so i was not worried. Few weeks later i received sms from my cellphone telling me that i had exceeded the amount of cash withdrawal from my account and i should check with the bank...That was when i was worried. I checked my balance with the bank and found that he had withdrawn 3/4 of my servings. The servings that i had kept for almost 12 years. My security... i was angry...no, furious. I called him and he never picked up the phone.

Now i am furious, i am thinking of revenge....revenging this guy that it hurts him so much he never forgets. Revenging him that he will never do the same thing to anyone... The thought itself have calmed me down (i have never get a revenge on anyone before) Knowing that i will hurt him is making me coping with the situation (of being broke of course), I would give anything to lay my fingers on him...  . They say revenge is a dish best served cold... looks like i will wait, so that i serve his dish not cold, but chilled... or may be as i wait i will be able to let it go and forgive.... So, i am still waiting, i am angry, no i am furious, but i will wait. Not that i cannot reach where he is, i could, but i will wait for karma to take its place... they say..Karma is a Bitch...it responds right there and then! I am waiting

How Judgmental Are you!

My friend told me one day that i always jumped into conclusion when something i didn't like happened. I used to relate everything with everything and  draw conclusion which was the never ending spiral kind of events that one thing lead to another and another  and another to the situation at hand.It was that feeling of insecurity if you know what i mean that i counted myself as a victim of situation and time and every conclusion  i made was based on these strings of events in  my life.

My past life and experience has not been so good in keeping relationships, especially with guys (boyfriends to be specific) because coming from  abusive,  non functional relationship destroyed what i saw in men. I  used to think men where taking my relationship and openness with them for granted, that they were alike and knew what i had went through.... it got ugly.

Thanks to this one Man who once told me, "you are very sweet girl, i love you, but your judgmental attitude is a really turn off for me and i am going to leave you for that. I cannot handle it. If you are not going to change it, no man will ever want to put up with this no matter how good you are" And even after he said this,  i ended up blaming him for being insensitive and self centered... and  yeah... he left me... for real!

It took me years to realize what i was doing to myself. I used to see problems in others,  and not a piece of my doings in the particular problem and ended up  shifting blame and jump into conclusions about other people's doing even though i contributed 80% of the problem. I wanted to change that so much, not to please anybody, but just for myself. I started small, by realizing that if there is more than one person in a particular action there must be some kind  of shared responsibility  when the same action ends up into a problem. I asked friends to give me  small pinch (when i am close) if i was being judgmental just to remind myself where i stood.  I also started by recognizing when i was being judgmental and correcting what i was saying if i had already saying anything judgmental.

I posted on my walls (in the house of course) the importance of taking responsibility and seeing positive side on   people, trying to see things differently and understand that my past experience has nothing to do with my future... the past has to be where it is and it is my past which made me who i am today.

Thanks to this one particular man because it changed a lot how i viewed things. I am not saying that i am good than anybody, but i am sure i am better than i was yesterday. This alone is a battle, almost won, but until then, i am hanging on there... knowing that i tomorrow i will be better than today, as i am still learning and grow!

The Weight Loss NightMare

Well,  people love the "The perfect Body", but if asking what this means everybody has their own description. I have mine too! My own image of the perfect body. Do not get me wrong, but i love the curved one, with everything on its right place, in moderate size and shape. And it is from this description that i always have a nightmare,  bad dream that leaves me shaking and sweating.

Currently, i am on my weight loss journey.. It is a journey because, well...  it is. i started gym few days ago (five days to be precise). With all the determination, and promises to myself that i am going to put off 20 kg, (i am overweight with at least 25) . Day one was great, worked really hard, and started feeling in shape already, day two was a bit intense than day 1 ( i thought i already knew my way around the gym and wanted to try every machine). on day three that is when the night mare started.

I would dream that i was slim (too slim) that all my clothes wouldn't fit and then i am huge with very big booty  (like seasonal pumpkin) and very fat legs yet i would fit in my old jeans ( I am keeping my old jeans, if  i fit in them, then i have reached my goal) and sometimes  i would dream that i am eating my favorite french fries and pork ribs ("Portion control" and " Eat Healthy" are posted all over the house) and i would wake up with drools all over my face.

I wonder how the  mind can trick the body (or vice versa) because in five days i already feel i am looking toward my perfect body, although looking at the mirror, i  sometime feel that my eyes are ticking me. I am learning to understand that working out for the perfect body is not a very long term solution but working out to be healthy. At least this will reduce the number of nightmares one will have in a night. If only i would start going to the gym for my health not for the perfect body.

There is this feeling that comes with working out, i cannot really explain it by they are sweet, victorious feeling that make you feel more beautiful, and health and clean and perfect. After a hard, sweaty work out, the feeling of water running through your head to toe, the comforting and refreshing it brings cannot be explained easily. After hitting a gym or running for few days, (if you are the beginner like me) the feeling that you are much faster, and lighter than before you start is sooo nice and worth embracing. I love this feeling and it keeps me going!

Unfortunately, most of us are obsessed with scale. We are getting upset if we do not put off the pounds we intend to in a week. As a result we start finding faults in a process, like whether you are taking more calories than you should not have, or you are spending less time exercising, or the exercise you are doing is not good enough and sometime we even shift these blames to the instructors, that they are not good enough. As a result we end up in crash diets or intensive exercise that are not healthy at all.  In this process we forget all about the feeling that comes with the exercise, which is very important part of the process. They are the Underrated Feel Good Moments that should be number one in this journey

If you are in this journey, like me you probably understand what i am talking about!

Being a Woman

Being a Woman, is not only about being just a woman
It is a beauty no one can imagine except a woman herself,
It is not about being beautiful and tender outside,
But being strong and powerful in the inside,
Being a woman is the gift, others would not like to embrace
But dread the fact, blaming and cursing,
While   have no  idea how beautiful, and important it is.

Being a woman is not only about giving birth to a thousand babies,
But the struggle between yesterday and tomorrow,
It is not about what others are saying about being a woman,
But what you feel and believe in the inside
It is not about how they treat you,
But how you decide how to handle their treatment
Should you keep silent,
And let their treatment pass over?
Or, Oh, no, this is not right at all
Or thank you for treating me so well?

Being a woman is not about the endless work,
But the appreciation of the change they bring,
if the world were to turn upside down today,
it is only women who could make that happen
Because of the role they play,
For their role is too important to be ignored
And rated as just a woman work,
a housewife and stay at home mom

Salute to all women out their,
Who refuse to be undermined,
Whose voice have been heard from the kitchen,
telling their children and husbands to behave,
to the women out there,
Who bend the heads of thousands powerful men
And to women who keep the world going
because being a woman is too important to be ignored

Can My life Tell a New Story

I always wonder why we often compare our difficulties and pain to that of others, thinking that what we have on our plate is as overwhelming as it can get, and that people who are not in the space we’re in probably have it easier. Truth is, life is challenging for everyone. Whether employed or unemployed, single or married, short or tall, you have great challenges of your own and you wish things could get easier in this or that area of your life. A colleague of mine couldn’t have put it better when he said “Just being on earth is a challenge!”

One challenge we often encounter – if I could speak for myself – is fear. Fear can become even more paralyzing when you have big dreams for your life, you want to succeed and not be a failure, but when look in your family, people closest to you, you see no reference to the life you have envisioned for yourself and you begin to wonder if this dream you have will ever become reality. If you are one person who likes to find out a bit more on issues happening in society and in our world, you will notice that some reports online or even people would say that children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves, or that people who have been hurt usually go on hurting others. It’s all just a cycle! These kinds of reports can be destabilizing for people concerned, and make one wonder “Can my life tell a different story”? This isn’t a situation of being unable to dream big, I personally have big dreams and I know what I want for my life, but…….fear!

But then again, more than our direct families, we live in a world populated with people whose stories are comforting and inspiring. You may come from a divorced family but think of those who hadn’t even known their parents but made something meaningful of their lives. One inspiring story, carrying a poignant message is told in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”. Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith), the man whose story is told in that movie, came from a very humble background, was homeless for a whole season in his life, but today, his life certainly tells a new story, totally different from that of his predecessors. Here is one of his many inspirational quotes:

“The future was uncertain, absolutely, and there were many hurdles, twists, and turns to come, but as long as I kept moving forward, one foot in front of the other, the voices of fear and shame, the messages from those who wanted me to believe that I wasn’t good enough, would be stilled.” 

Are you one who desires to break free from the cycle of poverty, instability and broken families but feel bound by a fear whispering to you that you can’t? Those who rose above the same limitations you have right now and paved a way for a new generation to come first believed it was possible and secondly committed to seeing it come to pass. It is our desire here at 1Africa for you and everyone visiting our page to write a new story. More than it being a desire, we are committing to taking you through the first steps into breaking free from fear and beginning to write a new story.  

Can your life tell a new story? Yes it can! We are confident about it, so should you!

Source: http://www.1africa.tv/can-my-life-tell-a-new-story/

I loved this article, and wanted to share with you!

The Joy of Giving!

There was this time when i was very depressed, and did'nt know what to do with my life. I  had a good job and wonderful colleagues. Frankly speaking, i didn't know what the problem was except that i was lonely (not alone). I had somehow distanced myself from my family, and friends for no reason at all and didn't know how to come back. I used to complain, to everybody and about everything and nothing seemed right.

A friend of mine said that may be i should start giving more than expecting from others. it worked. I started by giving time and attention to people who needed it. I started by supporting some of my colleagues who needed my help at work. (not doing their work, but work together to overcome some challenges they had) i gave  my time to raise funds  for women groups and organizations in the area, and volunteered at the women's rights organization by attending clients who needed legal aid. The result was priceless, and feeling was good. i loved it!

Giving is not about materials or money only, but also what you extend to those who need them. A smile, time, a hug, kiss or a help, given with all the heart without looking back and regret is enough blessing to keep one going for a year. It is you who give who is helped, more than those who receive. The satisfaction upon giving and the feeling is not something money can buy someone can give you!

My learning: give without thinking, not for help but because the inner you feel good by giving. And yeah, there are ungrateful people who will stub you after giving them, ( a friend of mine was insulted by a homeless man after giving him one thousand shillings while she was driving expensive car)  but do not stop, keep on giving, the reward is priceless, heart warming and blessing. It is a joy i cannot explain, because i know it!

Looking at life differently!

When i was a young girl, i wanted to be a doctor, because  my mom got sick and i wanted to help her. I ended up studying law, and work on NGOs both local and international without practicing law a single day in my working life and still wonder how can life take a total different direction from what you sometime plan.

My outlook in life is improving, i am trying to look at life more positively but not naive, trust people and enjoy each moment i have in life. I try to remind myself constantly who i am and and what good i have done in this world. Trust me, it is not easy. And as a struggle to  reminding myself who i am, and my worth plus sharing my moment and connecting with others, that is why i started this blog. It is a place to share my emotions and experience with other.. i may not have a lot to teach people, but i have enough for people to learn from me. i am trying to leave what i am putting here in public.

I am not  philosophical about life, but i understand it in a simplest way i can leave and share with other. To me, life is a moment, whether good or bad, but a lesson that is priceless.. I used to think, a good life is having everything   you want, from material point of view. I am in  transformation to change this  thinking, because that is what i was taught. You have to go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. I am still taking stock of what i have not in terms of material possession, but the priceless little things that put meaning in my life.

I used to be ashamed that i don't have a good car, beautiful house, stable marriage  and money to buy everything i wanted for me and my children. i used to stay away from school mates who had all those materials, and when i met them accidentally, i would lie that my car was broken that is why i was taking a taxi or public transport, or i would lie that i had a house in another town, but all these were because i wanted to look like them. Until  when i found out that some of  my friends had rocky marriages, others had married men for boyfriends, others had debts way over their heads and they weren't completely 100% happy as i thought.

My learning from this experience, no matter how and who you are, (1) there is something about you that others don't have. They are dying to have what you have. Example, on my case, although i do not have a marriage and i am living single, others are dying to have my independence and free-ness. (2) Looking at life positively, does'nt mean that you accept everything and let yourself taken for granted, but the understanding that others have their own way of looking at life and at some point you need to let them be!

My first Post

This is my first post on this blog, And i am going to tell you why i decide to write this blog.

This blog is specifically about me, my life, my journey...I will sometimes write small things about my family.

I am a woman, as i am writing this post i am 35 years old, single mom with three children! Two handsome, intelligent sons aged 11 and 10 and a beautiful  sweet girl of 14 months. I am blessed that i have them. My first two sons are from my previous marriage, a failed marriage which left me ANGRY, rather than broken. Unfortunately, i do not know why i got married in the first place, because i was on my early 20's, in college, met this handsome guy, got pregnant and even before i knew it, Baaaaam... im pregnant. Learning from my sisters experience who had a baby before marriage and the trauma she went through, i decided to leave with this guy in 2004, had my first son the same year, conceived again when he was 4 months, married in a church in 2005, had my second son the same year and separated in 2006. it was a series of events like in a movie and looking myself now, i cant believe that this was so very me!

I met another  guy in 2009 and had a relationship, on and off until i moved in the same city where he lived, conceived in 2013 and had my girl in 2013. The pregnancy took a toll on me and couldn't keep this relationship either, so i had to let it go. To be frank the ending of this relationship did hurt me. it left a hole deep down in me that i have been finding a way to fill it. A very deep dark hole that i started filling it with food and drink, and meaningless relationships, and all kind of  actions that would make me excited. And i confused excitement with happiness.

I gained weight, and hated my body, spent my money in things i would regret later, lost my friends because i was ashamed, blame my fate because i didn't know what i really wanted and how to get there, depressed and angry all the time.

For some reasons, i decided i wanted to change things around me. So i decided to read, all the inspirational books and articles and lines i could get and slowly, i started with small action. example, i changed the direction of my bed... and it changed a lot how i viewed my life!

It is a journey, a very long journey with lots of ups and down but i now i will get there. I have few friends, co workers,  and a very sweet neighbor. i am still rebuilding and reconnecting with people i lost, and make plans to make my life better! Welcome and travel with me! i hope you will enjoy reading!