Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature

This article is copied from this source: :   Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature:



A friend on facebook shared this article on her wall and i loved it! It speaks a lot about lot of women i know, including me! I love it.



I don't own this article. i just copied and pasted it here.... You can follow the link above to read more of the stories from the owner!



Here we go!



Before I became a mother, I assumed that motherhood would be all-encompassing. After all, trying to conceive was a process that took over my entire life for five years, raking me across the monthly highs and lows of "AM I?/I'm not…" over and over again. All through the years of charting, guided meditation, acupuncture, abdominal massage, medication, and hardcore fertility treatments, one thought held me through it all: I WANT TO BE A MOTHER.

I think that was a fair assumption: since trying to conceive completely ate my brain, of course being a mother would inhale me. I'd wanted it for so long, and I'd prepared for it for YEARS — like a long-anticipated college graduation. And then it happened! I finally got pregnant, and suddenly…

It was just, you know, whatever. Pregnancy was just pregnancy. Uncomfortable and fascinating, but just pregnancy.

Then I finally had a baby!

And I was like, "Oh hey. Awesome. I like this! …and, wait, what's that? OMG, I STILL LIKE OTHER STUFF, TOO!"

I'd watched many friends embrace their mom-ness with gusto, their novels completely replaced with parenting books, their hobbies eclipsed by trips to the zoo. I wasn't sure I totally wanted it to happen, but I assumed it just sort of WOULD happen. Based on my mental state while trying to conceive, clearly the process of becoming a parent brought out some obsessive tendencies. I figured I'd be an obsessive mom, too.

I've shocked myself, though. I love being a mother. I love my son. But he's just a portion of my life and (no offense, sweet Tavi) not even the most interesting portion. Sure, he's my highest priority — but so is breathing, and I don't introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I like air!" Breathing and my son are top priorities, but neither are my primaryidentities. Priorities can co-exist for me. I've learned that love is not a zero sum economy. I can have room in my heart to love my son and yet, still love other stuff too!

Sure, my son is my highest priority — but so is breathing, and I don't introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I like air!"

Motherhood is just a portion of my identity — and not even that remarkable of one. It's a quality I share with BILLIONS of women on this planet. That shared experience is amazing and I love recognizing it and feeling that connection with my fellow mammals… but for me, that shared experience is not the thing that feels like my core identifier. I'm much more likely to identify by my work (small business owner, publisher, author, web entrepreneur), or my culture (pacific northwesterner, raised by hippies, retired raver), or my hobbies (dancer, comedy event producer, camper) than I am by my parental status.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Years ago, when trying to articulate why I wanted a child, I talked about how I felt like Andreas and I had crafted a rich, interesting life for ourselves that we wanted to share with a child. I didn't need a child to bring meaning or richness to my life — although certainly my son has done both those things. I did not want our child BE the adventure (although certainly he has been)… rather, I wanted him to SHARE our adventures.

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Now, I want to say this before anyone else can: I do NOT wish to devalue the experience of those of you who hold your motherhood as a tantamount identity.THAT IS AWESOME. You are in great company. Raising children is hugely important work, and your children will benefit greatly from your attention. My experience does NOT invalidate your different experience. It's cool. Seriously.

Nor am I saying that child-raising doesn't eat a huge amount of time/brain-power (especially in the first year), or that you'll have time to pursue all your interests. Being a parent takes time, and I'm not saying it doesn't. I'm just saying that for some of us there can be a difference between time spent and identity developed.

I want to celebrate those who are finding ways to balance all that rich life stuff with all that delicious family stuff. This website is called Offbeat Families, not Offbeat Baby. While of course this is a website about babies and kids, we're also about YOU. Because your kids are cool — BUT YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME.

We love you together.. We just don't know how to love you separately!

A friend of mine who i will call Hanna  is going through a very bad divorce right now. Her husband of twelve years have been cheating with this new girl who moved in the street among many others. For nearly four years i have witnessed Hanna, going through  the worst, from anxiety, to mental break down, all in the name of marriage and love. She is one of the strongest women i know, because the shit that her husband pulls up, is just sick! And she took all of them in, while protecting her children from all these, trying to paint this perfect, loving dad. I salute her for this!

Last night she called me. She was hysterical, crying  and throwing fists. She said for once she cannot take it any more and she wants to leave. If we were living in one of those western countries (at least from what i see in the movies) she would have asked her husband to leave.  But instead, when she confronted her husband about the expenses in their account which   was used to buy a new car which apparently did not reach their house, the husband asked her to pack and leave if she cannot  keep her mouth shut. He even threw in few F word, and W word and that made her sick to the stomach. She packed her bags and make a call so that i could pick her up!

What made my eyes tear up was what her eight years daughter said. She asked where she was going and for the first time she threw the "wisdom" off the window and blow it right in front of her baby that her father was an A***le and that she was leaving him. It was night so she told them that they would stay in my house for a while   and she would take  them   once she settles down. What she said next  blew my mind and melted my soul... "Mom, Please do not go! We love you together, We just don't know how to love you separately" And there it was... in front of my eyes, i  saw the reason why Hanna never left that loveless marriage all those years. It was not about Money, or fame, but because she did not know how to explain to their children how they would live without them together! It was a heart breaking scene.

As for Hanna, she had a friend she could call and make arrangements for her children. She had a means to support herself until she settles down. I have known many other women who do not have this kind of arrangement. Because the nature of their marriage itself excludes them from building these social assets.. friend network, people you can run to. So they  keep them in until they are dead. I  am not saying that all marriage are taking this path, but i am representing more than 45% of women in Tanzania who faces violence everyday.

Here is the question you may need to ask yourself today. Are you experiencing violence, do you have a network of friends, family and allies whom you may turn to. How do you view violence against women? Are you a supporting friend or  family whom others may turn to should they face difficulties?

10 Daily Struggles of Single Mothers life:

Well. most people will not understand the struggles of single mothers who are trying to get it right especially if she is seen well off on the outside. I am telling you, it is the daily roller coaster. The mood may change from very happy because your baby scored a goal in the school match to the very sad because of several other reason. Here are 10 daily struggle of single mothers
1. Balancing Work and family life: We all agree that to most single mothers  who are taking care of their children 100% without any financial support, giving  your best at work so as to keep it is not a subject of negotiation. You come home late, tired. All you want is take off your shoes, and snap that bra through the blouse sleeves, sway it across the room and collapse on the couch to watch news with hot delicious dinner and glass of wine or juice in front of you You may think of a feet massage a little bit as well!. But the moment you step in your house, the dinner, washing, homework cleaning , crying etc etc is waiting for you. Well, kind of being there since morning!
2. Which bill to pay first: There are school fees, utilities, rent, fuel (if you happen to have a car), food, clothes, medical, books, school trip, dentist...... In most cases money comes in through one window (your salary or income) and you have to prioritize which one comes first.
3. Juggling between hospital, dentist, school match to community gathering, family needs and official meetings. Have you ever wished that you could divide yourself in two or three or even five so as to do all the necessary? Tell me about it... i have been there!
4. Being both a prosecutor, judge and Jury! This occurs mostly when you are too tired to even brush your hair  and you are taking up that five minutes power nap because your toddler is sleeping while the older ones are doing their home works or playing and the fight breaks.. (trying to paint a picture here) and you want to do it as fast as possible so that you can go back to your sleep. And you become  a judge jury and prosecutor all at once while trying not to feel guilty!
5. Dating a new guy Vs your children welfare: Heads up guys: If you are dating a single mom, you should know that you are dating her and her child/children. No mother in a right state of mind would ever want a guy who does not love her kids. The constant fear and doubts whether your children will like him, or whether he will like your kids or whether they will get along well.. .. is really really exhausting: No wonder single mothers stay single for as long as it takes
6. Will your kids turn out right? No mother would like to see her kids end up in prison, or becomes and addict or of bad behavior. Every mother (at least most of us) dreams of raising the next Barrack Obama or Oprah. Intelligent, successful, influential; It is our dream. The constant fear of how our children will turn up  eats our guts everyday.
7. How does the Society look at me: Well, this is for those who cannot leave without an approval of others. The thinking that how does society look up at single mothers and treat them can be daunting. The bottom line question is "How did she end up a single mother? why doesn't she have a man in her life"? This puts a pressure on single moms to act in a certain way! Trust me i have seen   women change from one personality to another in a blink of an eye because they could not take up the pressure.
8. The well being and safety of our children: . Have you ever panicked because a principle in your baby's school called you because of your child. This is one phone call in my life i am scared off because you do not know what happened when they are at school. Or anywhere else!   it does not stop.  
9.Financial Security: You may agree with me or not but to most people this is one of the biggest questing and fear. The fear itself is a struggle and everyday you try to think of something new to keep your lives afloat.
10. Finding a new partner: Well, this may not be in our daily list of struggles but it  comes up sometime. If you are not in relationship, there is this effort, that comes from somewhere that one day you will find your other half. Be in church, at work, on the road... and you never stop looking!


I do not have solution for this but if you can share few tips on how you manage this.. feel free to drop them on the comments box

Big up to all single mothers out there! You rock the world!