Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature

This article is copied from this source: :   Being a mom isn't my most interesting feature:



A friend on facebook shared this article on her wall and i loved it! It speaks a lot about lot of women i know, including me! I love it.



I don't own this article. i just copied and pasted it here.... You can follow the link above to read more of the stories from the owner!



Here we go!



Before I became a mother, I assumed that motherhood would be all-encompassing. After all, trying to conceive was a process that took over my entire life for five years, raking me across the monthly highs and lows of "AM I?/I'm not…" over and over again. All through the years of charting, guided meditation, acupuncture, abdominal massage, medication, and hardcore fertility treatments, one thought held me through it all: I WANT TO BE A MOTHER.

I think that was a fair assumption: since trying to conceive completely ate my brain, of course being a mother would inhale me. I'd wanted it for so long, and I'd prepared for it for YEARS — like a long-anticipated college graduation. And then it happened! I finally got pregnant, and suddenly…

It was just, you know, whatever. Pregnancy was just pregnancy. Uncomfortable and fascinating, but just pregnancy.

Then I finally had a baby!

And I was like, "Oh hey. Awesome. I like this! …and, wait, what's that? OMG, I STILL LIKE OTHER STUFF, TOO!"

I'd watched many friends embrace their mom-ness with gusto, their novels completely replaced with parenting books, their hobbies eclipsed by trips to the zoo. I wasn't sure I totally wanted it to happen, but I assumed it just sort of WOULD happen. Based on my mental state while trying to conceive, clearly the process of becoming a parent brought out some obsessive tendencies. I figured I'd be an obsessive mom, too.

I've shocked myself, though. I love being a mother. I love my son. But he's just a portion of my life and (no offense, sweet Tavi) not even the most interesting portion. Sure, he's my highest priority — but so is breathing, and I don't introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I like air!" Breathing and my son are top priorities, but neither are my primaryidentities. Priorities can co-exist for me. I've learned that love is not a zero sum economy. I can have room in my heart to love my son and yet, still love other stuff too!

Sure, my son is my highest priority — but so is breathing, and I don't introduce myself by saying, "Hi, I like air!"

Motherhood is just a portion of my identity — and not even that remarkable of one. It's a quality I share with BILLIONS of women on this planet. That shared experience is amazing and I love recognizing it and feeling that connection with my fellow mammals… but for me, that shared experience is not the thing that feels like my core identifier. I'm much more likely to identify by my work (small business owner, publisher, author, web entrepreneur), or my culture (pacific northwesterner, raised by hippies, retired raver), or my hobbies (dancer, comedy event producer, camper) than I am by my parental status.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Years ago, when trying to articulate why I wanted a child, I talked about how I felt like Andreas and I had crafted a rich, interesting life for ourselves that we wanted to share with a child. I didn't need a child to bring meaning or richness to my life — although certainly my son has done both those things. I did not want our child BE the adventure (although certainly he has been)… rather, I wanted him to SHARE our adventures.

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Now, I want to say this before anyone else can: I do NOT wish to devalue the experience of those of you who hold your motherhood as a tantamount identity.THAT IS AWESOME. You are in great company. Raising children is hugely important work, and your children will benefit greatly from your attention. My experience does NOT invalidate your different experience. It's cool. Seriously.

Nor am I saying that child-raising doesn't eat a huge amount of time/brain-power (especially in the first year), or that you'll have time to pursue all your interests. Being a parent takes time, and I'm not saying it doesn't. I'm just saying that for some of us there can be a difference between time spent and identity developed.

I want to celebrate those who are finding ways to balance all that rich life stuff with all that delicious family stuff. This website is called Offbeat Families, not Offbeat Baby. While of course this is a website about babies and kids, we're also about YOU. Because your kids are cool — BUT YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME.

We love you together.. We just don't know how to love you separately!

A friend of mine who i will call Hanna  is going through a very bad divorce right now. Her husband of twelve years have been cheating with this new girl who moved in the street among many others. For nearly four years i have witnessed Hanna, going through  the worst, from anxiety, to mental break down, all in the name of marriage and love. She is one of the strongest women i know, because the shit that her husband pulls up, is just sick! And she took all of them in, while protecting her children from all these, trying to paint this perfect, loving dad. I salute her for this!

Last night she called me. She was hysterical, crying  and throwing fists. She said for once she cannot take it any more and she wants to leave. If we were living in one of those western countries (at least from what i see in the movies) she would have asked her husband to leave.  But instead, when she confronted her husband about the expenses in their account which   was used to buy a new car which apparently did not reach their house, the husband asked her to pack and leave if she cannot  keep her mouth shut. He even threw in few F word, and W word and that made her sick to the stomach. She packed her bags and make a call so that i could pick her up!

What made my eyes tear up was what her eight years daughter said. She asked where she was going and for the first time she threw the "wisdom" off the window and blow it right in front of her baby that her father was an A***le and that she was leaving him. It was night so she told them that they would stay in my house for a while   and she would take  them   once she settles down. What she said next  blew my mind and melted my soul... "Mom, Please do not go! We love you together, We just don't know how to love you separately" And there it was... in front of my eyes, i  saw the reason why Hanna never left that loveless marriage all those years. It was not about Money, or fame, but because she did not know how to explain to their children how they would live without them together! It was a heart breaking scene.

As for Hanna, she had a friend she could call and make arrangements for her children. She had a means to support herself until she settles down. I have known many other women who do not have this kind of arrangement. Because the nature of their marriage itself excludes them from building these social assets.. friend network, people you can run to. So they  keep them in until they are dead. I  am not saying that all marriage are taking this path, but i am representing more than 45% of women in Tanzania who faces violence everyday.

Here is the question you may need to ask yourself today. Are you experiencing violence, do you have a network of friends, family and allies whom you may turn to. How do you view violence against women? Are you a supporting friend or  family whom others may turn to should they face difficulties?

10 Daily Struggles of Single Mothers life:

Well. most people will not understand the struggles of single mothers who are trying to get it right especially if she is seen well off on the outside. I am telling you, it is the daily roller coaster. The mood may change from very happy because your baby scored a goal in the school match to the very sad because of several other reason. Here are 10 daily struggle of single mothers
1. Balancing Work and family life: We all agree that to most single mothers  who are taking care of their children 100% without any financial support, giving  your best at work so as to keep it is not a subject of negotiation. You come home late, tired. All you want is take off your shoes, and snap that bra through the blouse sleeves, sway it across the room and collapse on the couch to watch news with hot delicious dinner and glass of wine or juice in front of you You may think of a feet massage a little bit as well!. But the moment you step in your house, the dinner, washing, homework cleaning , crying etc etc is waiting for you. Well, kind of being there since morning!
2. Which bill to pay first: There are school fees, utilities, rent, fuel (if you happen to have a car), food, clothes, medical, books, school trip, dentist...... In most cases money comes in through one window (your salary or income) and you have to prioritize which one comes first.
3. Juggling between hospital, dentist, school match to community gathering, family needs and official meetings. Have you ever wished that you could divide yourself in two or three or even five so as to do all the necessary? Tell me about it... i have been there!
4. Being both a prosecutor, judge and Jury! This occurs mostly when you are too tired to even brush your hair  and you are taking up that five minutes power nap because your toddler is sleeping while the older ones are doing their home works or playing and the fight breaks.. (trying to paint a picture here) and you want to do it as fast as possible so that you can go back to your sleep. And you become  a judge jury and prosecutor all at once while trying not to feel guilty!
5. Dating a new guy Vs your children welfare: Heads up guys: If you are dating a single mom, you should know that you are dating her and her child/children. No mother in a right state of mind would ever want a guy who does not love her kids. The constant fear and doubts whether your children will like him, or whether he will like your kids or whether they will get along well.. .. is really really exhausting: No wonder single mothers stay single for as long as it takes
6. Will your kids turn out right? No mother would like to see her kids end up in prison, or becomes and addict or of bad behavior. Every mother (at least most of us) dreams of raising the next Barrack Obama or Oprah. Intelligent, successful, influential; It is our dream. The constant fear of how our children will turn up  eats our guts everyday.
7. How does the Society look at me: Well, this is for those who cannot leave without an approval of others. The thinking that how does society look up at single mothers and treat them can be daunting. The bottom line question is "How did she end up a single mother? why doesn't she have a man in her life"? This puts a pressure on single moms to act in a certain way! Trust me i have seen   women change from one personality to another in a blink of an eye because they could not take up the pressure.
8. The well being and safety of our children: . Have you ever panicked because a principle in your baby's school called you because of your child. This is one phone call in my life i am scared off because you do not know what happened when they are at school. Or anywhere else!   it does not stop.  
9.Financial Security: You may agree with me or not but to most people this is one of the biggest questing and fear. The fear itself is a struggle and everyday you try to think of something new to keep your lives afloat.
10. Finding a new partner: Well, this may not be in our daily list of struggles but it  comes up sometime. If you are not in relationship, there is this effort, that comes from somewhere that one day you will find your other half. Be in church, at work, on the road... and you never stop looking!


I do not have solution for this but if you can share few tips on how you manage this.. feel free to drop them on the comments box

Big up to all single mothers out there! You rock the world!

Sex Education in Tanzanian Schools and the Way We Approach it!

The other day my son came back  home from school , crying, with his buttocks red and raised because of the beating from his teacher. He was so sore and swollen that he could barely stand straight leave alone sitting down. I could hardily contain my anger against whoever did that and i started ranting. I asked him what happened and said his teacher beat him and others because they talked about lady parts in the school bus  on the way back home. I was stunned with the level of stupidity and ignorance his teacher portrayed. I immediately called the school and asked to speak to the director and principal and whoever was there and threatened to bring them my son so that he can be sent to the hospital. The next morning i decided to get there early to give them a piece of my mind first on them beating my baby and what  and how i talk with my pre-teen boys about sex and sexuality.

I am a single parent, a mother and i am raising three children, two of them boys of 11 and 12 years old. They are at the age where they are fascinated with sex and women bodies and i decided that i would approach the matter openly and honestly.  So every week i would make sure i choose a topic we would discuss and the first question would be something like, " So.... tell me, what are  your friends  say about women menstruation for example" This would happen in a very informal setting such as while we are in the car, or cleaning, or in the kitchen. And they would tell me mostly what they have heard, and read and ask me what is it, i get an opportunity to set the information straight, and voila, no one is embarrassed or offended!

Now the other day, my son was trying to explain to his friend that women actually do have the private parts of their own and that they do use them to bring babies in the world and that for that to happen women have to go through menstruation period as part of the process. Actually, this is part of the information i shared with my sons. I also stressed out that, our culture pretty much prohibits people to talk about private parts publicly, but it is okay to talk about it if you are informing your friend about it. We actually developed code name for the parts so that if they don't feel comfortable,  they may use the code name instead. I insisted that the words should never ever used to offend another one because i would be very angry... So the learning was clear.

Back to the teachers and school, the kind of information they impart on our children's young minds are those of shame, hate, and kind of scary. They approach it in a way that sex is dirty and bad and is good  and nice at the same time because it gives us babies. The one question that my son once asked his teacher is, if sex was bad, why does he have a wife. To the best of his knowledge, married couples do have sex. The teacher said its bad for young children. And he corrected him by saying, then you should not say sex is bad, but the outcome of irresponsible sex for young children is bad. He said teachers should never criminalize sex but instead should teach children how to grow up and become responsible adults towards sex. In schools, teachers should also teach the kids the life skills so that children make responsible decisions when it comes to sex..... and this particular teacher did hold grudges against my son.

To teachers: Please do not confuse our children. Do not throw books on their face and ask them to read page so and so about reproductive health and never talk about it anymore or hold an honest discussion without whopping their assess.

To Parents: As much as we have the easiest way out of buying  computers and pay for internet services, a word of mouth is still as much as useful. internet provide all sort of false information. Who knows. The other day my son told me that he saw a porn video in the school computer and who knows what else is there...

DON’T DATE SINGLE MOTHERS AND DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THEM”- US AUTHOR WRITES SCATHING ARTICLE…GIVES 15 REASONS WHY MEN SHOULDN’T DATE SINGLE MOTHERS

I must admit: As i was reading this, i was bitterly mad at the author! How dare he insults my life and many more single mothers lives! But im sharing for you to read. Source: read it here

An American author named Shawn James this week wrote a controversial essay titled ‘Why Real Men Avoid Single Mothers’ – detailing 15 reasons why men should not date single mothers. It’s got people talking. Read below and tell us what you think…(If you’re a single mother, you won’t like this..:-))

1. Never Available. A single Mother’s schedule is never open. Single mothers are the kind of women to always cancel dates at the last minute. Something always gets in the way of a man spending time with her. It’s hard to have a relationship with her because she’s never there.

2. YOU are NOT a priority. Usually in a relationship the man winds up DEAD LAST. Behind, her kids, her job, the car, the kitchen sink, the stopped up toilet. Even the dog gets more attention and affection than a man involved with a single mother. Any man who gets involved with a single mother winds up a fifth stringer in a relationship. And he rarely ever gets called up to play.
3. Thinks the world revolves around HER and ONLY HER. A single mother is one of the biggest narcissists on the dating scene. She often thinks that a man has to drop everything in his life to be part of hers and her kids. They’re so selfish they don’t think a man has needs, wants or a life of his own. He’s just supposed to be there to give her everything she wants in life.
4. Emotionally Unavailable- Most Single mothers cannot form an intimate connection with a man because her feelings are invested in other people. Usually her primary focus is on her children.

In addition to dedicating herself to her children, most single mothers have given their hearts to someone else- their children’s father. And those feelings she still has for him will always prevent her from getting closer to you. There will always be some distance between a single mother and the new man in her life.
5. The ex/ Baby Daddy is ALWAYS THERE. A man just doesn’t deal with a single mother. He deals with her ex or her baby daddy as well. And this guy is always hovering around like a helicopter looking to c*ckblock you. Some of these guys still think they have a shot at getting back with her. Others just don’t want to see her happy. A lot of these dudes want to f!ght over her.

Seriously, it’s a game they’re playing with each other. And they’ll be playing that game with each other until their children turn 18 or 21. Head for the exit. It’s just not worth dealing with this fool and his insecure bullshyt.
6. The kids are working AGAINST YOU When dealing with a single mother you also deal with Kids. Kids who still in their little heart of hearts think that Dad will come back and love them.

Seriously, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
7. Those kids will HATE YOU. They will act out to keep you from getting closer to mommy. They will make accusations against you to get you in trouble. Again, it’s just not worth dealing with the bullsh*t to get with a female. There are four billion women in the world. You can find a quality female who doesn’t carry all this baggage or give you this much grief.
8. Entitled attitude Single mothers think because she had a baby out of wedlock the world owes her EVERYTHING. And she thinks she’s the one who deserves the best. Even though she’s usually collecting welfare, food stamps, or child support, in eyes she’s still supposed to be treated like she’s a queen because she popped a kid out of her v*gina.

In their deluded distorted vision of the world Men are still supposed to take her out to the finest restaurants and buy them lots of expensive stuff. And he’s supposed to take care of her kids too, buying them whatever they want while taking a blind eye to their bad behavior.
9. Distorted self-image Single mothers still thinks she’s as sexy like she was before she had a baby. Only she doesn’t understand how her body has changed. In some cases for the worse.

Single mothers are the type to try to squeeze themselves into sexy outfits like low-rise jeans and cropped T-shirts to show off their belly button, not seeing the muffin top and stretch marks squeezing out over the top of their pants. They’re the type to stuff themselves into slinky spandex dresses, (not aware of that gut, and the cellulite on their asses) and head out to the club. She thinks men are supposed to run up on her offering to buy her drinks. And because a few thirsty simps step to her, she thinks she’s still got it. But the only people who wants what she has to offer are scavengers at the bottom of the social scene.
10. Always the victim. Single Mothers never take responsibility for their actions. The situation they’re in is always the fault of that “no good man”, “these damn kids” their mother or someone else. They never take any time to do any self-examination or make any efforts to change their lives. They’re still looking for some Rich Incredibly Handsome Man™ to put on a cape and play Captain Save-A-Hoe™, sweep her off her feet and take her out of the troubling situation she helped make.
11. Jekyll & Hyde Personality. A single mother will be the sweetest thing when a man first dates her, but a few months into a relationship she turns into a NUTJOB. A man will usually see glimpses of this when she chastises her kids when he first meets them. During that meeting she’ll yell at them and bully them to get them to act right while praising a man like he’s an angel.

It’s all an act. Heaven will turn into Hell around the six month mark.

Once a single mother gets a man settled into her life it’s not common for her to start verbally abusing him and mocking him as she projects all that pent-up rage from those previous failed relationships onto him. And it’s usually around this point that most men realize why this woman is single and why it’s time for him to hit the exit door.
12. Drama Queen. Because a single mother always sees herself as a victim of society, she’s always talking about her problems. And she always has a new trouble to bring everyone. There’s never a good day in the life of a single mother because there’s always some new crisis about to emerge in her life.

The reason single mothers need the drama is because it makes them feel important. It makes people pay attention to them. And when Captain-Save-A-Hoe™ is doting on them trying to solve their problems it makes them feel an artificial sense of value. They need that value to deflects people’s attention from how pathetic their lives actually are.

Manipulative In most cases, a single mother has no interest in a man she’s dating. In a lot of cases she’s just using a guy as a pawn.
13. In most cases she’s dating to make her Baby Baddy jealous. Deep down in her heart of hearts she believes that if she’s seen with someone else who sees her as valuable that he’ll see her as valuable and take her back.

In other cases when she’s not trying to get a rise out of Baby Daddy she’s playing the sympathy card™ using a guy to get gifts, free dinners and free drinks out of him. To a single mother, The men in her lives are just human ATM machines where she whispers a sweet nothing in his ear like a PIN number and money comes out of his wallet.

And because she’s a drama queen who loves to play the victim, the Single mother plays to men’s emotions to get them to react in the way she wants. It’s not common for a single mother to tell her man man about her baby daddy so he can go f!ght him. Or pit two baby daddies against each other. Many a man has wound up either dead or in prison because a single Mother played the victim card™.
14. Dishonest. A single mother is a LIAR. It’s how she gets what she wants. It’s how she manipulates people. It’s how she takes care of her kids. It’s how she survives in this world.

Single mothers lie. And they LIE ALL THE TIME. They lie to men about their age, their height, their weight, how many kids they have, the job they do.

On top of the lies they tell to others They lie to themselves. They lie about about how beautiful they are. They lie telling themselves they’re still a catch. They lie telling themselves they still have a chance with a good man. They lie telling themselves that their lives will be happily ever after one day.

The horrible truth is without those lies most of those single mothers would realize how pathetic their lives are. How they have no options in the dating scene. That they’re at the bottom of the barrel in the dating scene and the only men who want them are pathetic Manginas and thirsty Simps.
15. Carries Baggage, baggage and more baggage A single mother has more issues than Time and Newsweek combined. And when she’s looking for a man, she’s not looking for an equal caring partner. She’s looking for a Pullman Porter™ to take care of her kids, and clean up her messes with her childrens’ father. Brothers, don’t let yourself get sized up for the white jacket and the bow tie!

Anyway, dealing with a single mother is like walking through a minefield. After several months of being involved with her, it leaves a man anxious and tense because he doesn’t know where to step that won’t lead to an explosion that k!lls him.
That’s why Real Men avoid single mothers like disease.
Real men understand life is too short to put up with someone’s drama and their emotional baggage. We only have a limited time on God’s Earth and who wants to spend it being a Pullman Porter cleaning up someone else’s messes. As I stated before in a previous blog, let that woman take her run over Jimmy Choos and clean up her own mess. She made her bed, now let her lie in the wet spot.
Don’t date single mothers and don’t waste your time with them. There are four billion women in this world. If you’re patient, you’ll find a good one.